[Accidental Video] ☠ A shadow fades in bright light.

[nightprince]

[ Ryoji hadn't noticed, but when he sat down on his bed, he accidentally turned his SFC on. Currently? The screen shows the little thought bubble following him around. His thoughts are vague, to an extent, at the moment, but what you'll notice is that the inside of the bubble is darker in color than most. Sort of like there's a little black mist inside it. The text on it is white. White, on black.

He's pacing in his dorm room at the moment. It's late, and he can't sleep. ]

He left.

[ A pause, a blink. A nod. It was reflecting his thoughts, huh? Yeah. But it wasn't really so bad... was it? An image of Minato--blue hair--comes up, then disappears. ]

It's my fault.

... I know.

[ Then an image of what looks like the moon, and then something big... with two sets wings, and a long sword. It's vague though, and it's hard to tell what it really is. It's only somewhat humanoid in shape. ]

Fighting it is... impossible. Maybe one day I'll just...

That won't happen...

[ This thought is a little more graphic. An image of some kids all wearing red armbands, being consumed by some sort of darkness, and then a hollow-looking, creepy white mask, eyeless, and smiling. And then lots of red blood. It flashes back as he shakes his head. ]

But how can it not, right?

I... I won't do that.

But I will. And then how will anyone stop me? You can't stop something like me. That's impossible.

It's... he did it. He still managed... it's okay. He's back now.

[ He takes a breath, getting up, and turns his back, trying to ignore that pestering, persistent, awful little bubble. He doesn't think it's so cool anymore. ]

But what if I do slip? What if they're wrong about how time passes? What then?

[ He falls silent. His biggest fears, and it was very, very right. He doesn't want to say it though. ]

I don't want to kill them. I don't want to hurt anyone. Vriska, Minato--I'm part of him but I took his life from him... because of me, his friends will never get to be with him at home. I really don't deserve to be a human, or even to feel. I never should have existed.

I... I really don't like this place right now... why does this have to happen to us? I hate these curses.

[ Eventually, Ryoji rests his head against a wall, closing his eyes, and biting his lip. The words keep going, though. Because he is, in fact, quite worried. ]

But blaming Vatheon isn't right. You wanted him to kill you because you're afraid, aren't you?

T-that isn't true. I've accepted it. It's inevitable.

[ The bubble continues heedlessly on, and Ryoji looks down at it with a defeated, pained expression. ] Without him, you don't even exist. Vriska, too! She validates your existence, but then when you're alone, what are you really? Just a shadow. A tool. Nyx's puppet. And then you don't even feel like you're real.

T-that's not true... I'm... I'm Ryoji. No one else. And I will never, ever be anything else. Minato-kun said so.

[ ... Ryoji tries to pop it as it continues on, but to no avail. After he tries to half-heartedly swat it away, he fails. So he instead returns to leaning his head against the dorm's wall, and then the feed cuts abruptly as a kitten hops onto the bed, and accidentally shuts the SFC off. ]

Comments

[Action foreverrrr] YEEEP

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

... Just ignore it, Minato-kun. It's stupid.

[ Floating there going on and on. Worry after worry. ]

But I don't want you to. What if I...

[ ARGH TRAITOR. ]

... Really, it's fine.

[messianic]

[His own thoughts are quiet, a stream of quiet murmurings in them that are too faint to read.

It isn't like him to confront, but sometimes-- 'Enough is enough']

No it isn't. Can I come in?

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

[ ... ]

Yeah.

[ He tries to just... clear his thoughts. For now, the bubble goes silent. ]

[messianic]

[So he does so, walking in and shutting the door quietly behind him, the thought bubble still filled with thoughts that are just a tad bit too quiet.]

I'm sorry for never asking this before. But...I'd like to know.

...Ryoji, what do you really think?

[And thoughts in his own, drifting-- 'About yourself' 'about shadows' 'about Nyx' 'about you']

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

[ ... His thought bubble seems to answer that well enough. He swats it away so Minato can't see it, though. ]

You... know what I think. I've accepted it. It is what it is.

[ But it just comes back, floating around him. ]

I don't want to worry him. He deserves better.

[ SWAT. ]

[messianic]

[This receives an arched eyebrow and a solemn look.]

Do you know what I want?

I want to hear what's bothering you. ...I want you to talk with me.

[His thoughts reflect that, completely honestly.]

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

[ ... He sighs, then looks at Minato... opens his mouth, then sighs again. ]

I don't...

It isn't fair of me. What he did was right. Why make him feel worse?

[ ... Another sigh. ]

Look, it's... not important.

Why are you being so persistent? I don't deserve to be cared about.

[ SWATTING IT. >: ]

[messianic]

[...hmm. His thoughts are mercifully quiet.]

Please don't tell me what to think, Ryoji-kun. Even if it's simply your thoughts.

...Everyone deserves to be cared about. And I'm afraid you're stuck with me.

[A few faint, but readable thoughts. 'Psyche' and then 'other half' and then, most prominent 'Ryoji'.]

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

M-Minato...

[ And he concentrates very, very hard. ]

Can we please not do this? This is really stupid.

[ That's better. ]

A-and I'm not telling you what to think. I'm sorry.

You wouldn't even know anyway, if you weren't here. I hope he isn't mad.

[ ... Irritatedly trying to pop it now. Except thankfully the kitten takes an interest in it, attempting to pounce on the bubble. ]

[messianic]

[His thought bubble starts to be a reflection of his own thoughts more, some of which are a reflection of Ryoji's as he takes them in. 'Stupid', 'wouldn't even know' and then-- 'that's right. I should've noticed before.' But there's no self-loathing there. Just a quiet acceptance.]

Please don't apologize. I just...wish you'd be honest with me. Why are you hiding things?

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

I'm not hiding anything. You know the truth. How is that hiding something when you... already know everything that will happen?

[ A faint swirl of words in his bubble. ]

You know what he means, though.

Shut up.

[messianic]

[He tilts his head, then.]

No, I don't know the most important parts, really. I don't know how you feel about the entire thing, or what happened to you, or why you're feeling this way now.

Can we at least talk?

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

[ He falls silent. That bubble, however, does not. ]

I hate it. Everything. I hate what I am.

[messianic]

[A considering thought-- 'I don't want to do it this way'-- and then...]

I don't want to invade your privacy. If you don't want to tell me, I won't look.

[...'But I can't ignore that.']

Because of what you signify? And what you'll become?

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

[ ... He just looks down, ending up where he was before, with his head against the wall, quiet. The bubble says what he can't. ]

It's more than that. I don't just signify anything. I AM that. And if something happens here...

Stop it.

[ Agitatedly, but only with a half-hearted swing, he attempts to get rid of it. ]

[messianic]

[He's...torn. So he closes his eyes.]

Ryoji-kun, I want you to trust me with this. I want to be able to talk with you, but...I'm not going to let this world take that choice away from you. It's up to you if you will.

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

Why do you... have to be this way? I just... I just don't want you to worry... these are just my fears and what I know will happen.

Or... happened, I guess.

[ A sigh. ]

It's not that I don't want to tell you, I just...

Don't want to be judged.

[messianic]

[He meant what he said, and so for now, he keeps his eyes closed. He plans to do so until told otherwise.]

I'll worry either way, to be honest. It would be better, I think, to know instead of turning away from the truth.

[In his thought bubble, since he can't see Ryoji's and can only hear the first part of the sentence: '...?']

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

... You said you had... you wanted to know? Then... ask.

[ One question at a time. That... would be easier for him, he feels. ]

[messianic]

[...He considers this, eyes still closed, and then--

'Best to start somewhere']

What are you afraid of, exactly?

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

[ ... He looks completely serious now, whether Minato sees it or not. ]

... Changing here. Losing control. That... I'll kill people.

[messianic]

[He can't see, no, but he knows the expression Ryoji is wearing anyway. A slow nod.]

Right. Just in case it isn't true about the time, or that your time is running out?

[...]

I can't promise that it won't happen. But...I can promise that I won't let you harm anyone.

[As painful a thought as it is, fighting Ryoji again, he means every word of that.]

Until you come back to yourself.

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

... I don't want it to be that way.

[ A small sigh. ]

When I'm alone... it feels like... I might stop existing entirely. That I'm not... real. That if I'm not holding on to someone, I might just... disappear.

[ This is hard, and painful, and he... looks away. ]

[messianic]

Of course not. Because you aren't that sort of a person, who would want to fight.

[...]

To be honest, Ryoji-kun, I don't believe it would be possible for you to not be you for very long. In the end, you'll always be yourself--every part of you. You don't need me to be able to do that.

[derparcana.livejournal.com]

... I... I know. That's... that's what Vriska-chan said, but... it's got nothing to do with being myself or standing on my own. It's simply that feeling...

[ His voice is full of sadness. ]

I was never meant to be... I wasn't supposed to exist. Not... in this form. Death is... like smoke. You can't contain smoke in a jar, but... they channeled it into a body, almost... so it feels like... if I'm not surrounded by people, I'm not really there. That I never was... but you, you're the one who... makes me feel like I'm anchored to the world.

Without you, I... I don't know where I'd be.