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nightprince[ Ryoji hadn't noticed, but when he sat down on his bed, he accidentally turned his SFC on. Currently? The screen shows the little thought bubble following him around. His thoughts are vague, to an extent, at the moment, but what you'll notice is that the inside of the bubble is darker in color than most. Sort of like there's a little black mist inside it. The text on it is white. White, on black.
He's pacing in his dorm room at the moment. It's late, and he can't sleep. ]
He left.
[ A pause, a blink. A nod. It was reflecting his thoughts, huh? Yeah. But it wasn't really so bad... was it? An image of Minato--blue hair--comes up, then disappears. ]
It's my fault.
... I know.
[ Then an image of what looks like the moon, and then something big... with two sets wings, and a long sword. It's vague though, and it's hard to tell what it really is. It's only somewhat humanoid in shape. ]
Fighting it is... impossible. Maybe one day I'll just...
That won't happen...
[ This thought is a little more graphic. An image of some kids all wearing red armbands, being consumed by some sort of darkness, and then a hollow-looking, creepy white mask, eyeless, and smiling. And then lots of red blood. It flashes back as he shakes his head. ]
But how can it not, right?
I... I won't do that.
But I will. And then how will anyone stop me? You can't stop something like me. That's impossible.
It's... he did it. He still managed... it's okay. He's back now.
[ He takes a breath, getting up, and turns his back, trying to ignore that pestering, persistent, awful little bubble. He doesn't think it's so cool anymore. ]
But what if I do slip? What if they're wrong about how time passes? What then?
[ He falls silent. His biggest fears, and it was very, very right. He doesn't want to say it though. ]
I don't want to kill them. I don't want to hurt anyone. Vriska, Minato--I'm part of him but I took his life from him... because of me, his friends will never get to be with him at home. I really don't deserve to be a human, or even to feel. I never should have existed.
I... I really don't like this place right now... why does this have to happen to us? I hate these curses.
[ Eventually, Ryoji rests his head against a wall, closing his eyes, and biting his lip. The words keep going, though. Because he is, in fact, quite worried. ]
But blaming Vatheon isn't right. You wanted him to kill you because you're afraid, aren't you?
T-that isn't true. I've accepted it. It's inevitable.
[ The bubble continues heedlessly on, and Ryoji looks down at it with a defeated, pained expression. ] Without him, you don't even exist. Vriska, too! She validates your existence, but then when you're alone, what are you really? Just a shadow. A tool. Nyx's puppet. And then you don't even feel like you're real.
T-that's not true... I'm... I'm Ryoji. No one else. And I will never, ever be anything else. Minato-kun said so.
[ ... Ryoji tries to pop it as it continues on, but to no avail. After he tries to half-heartedly swat it away, he fails. So he instead returns to leaning his head against the dorm's wall, and then the feed cuts abruptly as a kitten hops onto the bed, and accidentally shuts the SFC off. ]
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no subject
Date: 2011-05-11 08:04 am (UTC)[ A small sigh. ]
When I'm alone... it feels like... I might stop existing entirely. That I'm not... real. That if I'm not holding on to someone, I might just... disappear.
[ This is hard, and painful, and he... looks away. ]
no subject
Date: 2011-05-11 08:06 am (UTC)[...]
To be honest, Ryoji-kun, I don't believe it would be possible for you to not be you for very long. In the end, you'll always be yourself--every part of you. You don't need me to be able to do that.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-11 08:23 am (UTC)[ His voice is full of sadness. ]
I was never meant to be... I wasn't supposed to exist. Not... in this form. Death is... like smoke. You can't contain smoke in a jar, but... they channeled it into a body, almost... so it feels like... if I'm not surrounded by people, I'm not really there. That I never was... but you, you're the one who... makes me feel like I'm anchored to the world.
Without you, I... I don't know where I'd be.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-11 08:28 am (UTC)Without me? Without me, you would be Ryoji.
Whatever you were before, it can't be denied that you're here now, and you're you.
And that can't be taken away forever, permanently. It's not possible.
[He tilts his head then, thought bubble flashing through images--a car crash, a shadow of something--]
Whatever you believe was meant to be...this is what happened. Doesn't that mean, that in a way, we made this to be what's meant to be?
no subject
Date: 2011-05-11 08:46 am (UTC)[ He bites his lip. ]
I'd give anything to be normal. I hate everything about this.
[ Ryoji looks down at his feet. ]
You're right. But... I'm so weak. I'm... I can't stand to be alone, to be without you.
I'm horrible, and nothing but a weak person who can't depend on himself, or live without others.
[ Ryoji looks away--anywhere but Minato. It's the truth, and he hates... facing it. ]
Even so... I'm so weak that I can't do anything without depending on others, and clinging to them. Especially you. And I... I hate that about myself. I... I want to be someone who people will like. But...
What's the point when I'm going to disappear in the end?
[ A pained glance, and he closes his eyes. ] That's right... in the end, I'll disappear completely anyway... so that feeling isn't invalid, no matter how hard I fight it... all I've done since day one is drag others down, or worse. I don't... deserve anything else than what's going to happen.
I'm a worthless murderer. All that experiment did was unleash a monster. You all deserve better than... whatever I am.
[ He blinks a few times, looking down. ]
All the things I've done... are so horrible. The things I did in the past--how could I possibly atone for all the people I've killed? ... Even Yukari's father... I don't deserve to be your friend, or anyone else's.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-11 08:50 am (UTC)The thought remains suspended in his bubble. He's seen the worst in people, and he's seen the best of people, and...]
In the end, we're all the same. We all do terrible things, and we all do wonderful things, and we're all capable of both. And in the end, we'll all disappear.
That doesn't mean that we don't have the right to live. Ryoji...you are not defined by being a shadow, just as I'm not defined by being human. You're defined by you, and the choices you make will decide "what you deserve" for yourself.
But you're going to have to give yourself the chance.
[1/2]
Date: 2011-05-11 10:14 am (UTC)I'm not...?
[ He... hadn't thought of that. His thoughts reflect the same. ]
[2/2]
Date: 2011-05-11 10:18 am (UTC)But... Minato... you're so much stronger than I am...
[ He looks down, trying to blink back the torrent. ]
I... I don't want to... become anything else.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-11 10:28 am (UTC)You know...we're always changing. But so long as you don't lose yourself, you can always go back.
[And here, Ryoji, this is being put into your hand whether you like it or not. A mp3 player
shut up it's yellowand a set of yellow headphones. He keeps his hands folded over them for a moment, as he explains.]I was going to give these to you before, but now is as good a time as any. ...Why don't you find music that fits you? It's empty right now; you should fill it with yourself, with music you enjoy. And every time you listen, remember that you are Ryoji-kun.
Do you think you can do that?
no subject
Date: 2011-05-12 09:26 am (UTC)[ ... He's kind of stunned into silence, mentally and otherwise. ]
M-Minato-kun...
no subject
Date: 2011-05-12 06:44 pm (UTC)Of course I did. They're yours now, Ryoji. So it's up to you to fill it up, alright?
no subject
Date: 2011-05-12 08:37 pm (UTC)T-thanks, Minato-kun. I... I guess you're right. I'll be counting on you, okay?
[ In case it comes to that here. ]
no subject
Date: 2011-05-12 08:39 pm (UTC)Alright. You can count on me.
And...I'll be counting on you too. To be yourself.
['That's all it'll take, I think.']
no subject
Date: 2011-05-12 09:09 pm (UTC)[ A nod, and a smile. ]
no subject
Date: 2011-05-12 09:16 pm (UTC)A whisper 'Thou art I--'
He shakes his head.
'Wheel of Fortune--Success, good fortune, beginning of something new--
Fortuna, Atropos, Norn'
And whispers that aren't quite his own thoughts. 'You are now capable of creating the goddess of fate--'
And he blinks, tucking his hands into his pockets. A glance to his own bubble and a hint of wryness to his expression. 'Better when it was all in my head']
Are you feeling better, then?
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 02:09 am (UTC)[ He shakes his head a little, smiling lightly. ]
That must be inconvenient. I doubt a lot of people are going to understand the whole Persona and Social Link connection... but I guess so. I wonder... if Fortune really fits.
[ A pause. ]
But... I think so, anyway. I do feel better.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 02:14 am (UTC)...It can be, yes.
['Fortune arcana?' And he repeats along with his thoughts--]
It stands for good fortune, right? The beginning to something new, positive advancement, and change. But...change in a good way.
[A nod.]
I think it fits.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 02:23 am (UTC)[ He just smiles. He's glad... that Minato is here. ]
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 02:31 am (UTC)Yes, I know. A reminder couldn't hurt, though.
Anyway, would you like to get some music? It won't do you much good empty.
[And he loves music, he really does. There's a reason he's never without his headphones.
...and the trickling of other thoughts, now that he's helped Ryoji, much as he tries to shove them away. 'A distraction' and a flash of Selphie's face and a flash of a piratey grin before a punch heads his way--
He shakes his head. 'Music.']
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 04:11 am (UTC)[ A moment's pause-- ]
Is that... Selphie-chan? Wait, what's up with that other guy?
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 04:27 am (UTC)...And then a vague sense of dread in his bubble, though his face doesn't show it.]
Ah...Ani-- Motochika-san, you mean?
[He's still moving towards the door, though, opening it.]
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 04:42 am (UTC)[ PANIC. IF HIS BRO IS GETTING HURT, HE CANNOT EXCUSE THIS. ]
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 04:54 am (UTC)Not at all, Ryoji-kun. He was just...reminding me of something.
[Via a punch to the face.]
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 06:04 am (UTC)[ HUFF. ]
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 01:21 pm (UTC)It was...just his way. I'm grateful for the reminder.
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